dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
