Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
