How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
