If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
