Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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