you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize