she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
