WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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