Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
