Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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