I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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