True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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