considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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