when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
