yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
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