I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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