I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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