Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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