that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
