It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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