ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
