capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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