seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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