I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
