My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
