On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
