Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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