Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
