Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
