Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
