she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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