dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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