fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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