Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
