Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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