I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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