i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
