i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
