Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
