you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
