There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
