i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
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I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
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Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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