On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
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and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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