I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
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If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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