this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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