There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
