So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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