She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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