Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
