he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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