Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
