were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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