i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
